Just A Child
by Kanothalion
Summary: A MerryPippin slash, previously published on 'Annaicuru'.
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimer**: No characters present in this story – as of yet – are my own.  They all belong to J.R.R. Tolkien; as do place names.  This story takes place during the events of the **Lord of the Rings **trilogy.  I'm merely adding different elements…

Warnings: This is slash, and the relationship portrayed is between two cousins.  A relationship of this kind may or may not be legal or "right" in your beliefs or the legal system of your country/state.  If you are not comfortable with this, then please don't read it.  Worse, reading a piece of writing and then flaming it purely because of its theme or pairings is immature and pointless, and a waste of everybody's time.  If you are not comfortable with male/male relationships, please click the "back" button on your browser now. 

**Rating**: This story is a PG-13.  There will be scenes of a passionate nature.  Nothing, however, shall be shown graphically; and there will be no sex scenes.  Kissing will be as much as will be shown, though more may be implied.  There is no objectionable language.  There may be slight violence later, but only against "bad guys" – i.e. orcs and goblins etc.  Again, there will be nothing graphic.

**Thanks**: I'd like to thank one or two people for their priceless help with this story: firstly **Artemis Astralstar**, who provided unwavering support and suggestions and went through each chapter with a fine-toothed comb to sort out my – many – grammatical mistakes and helped with the plot. If there are any more mistakes, they'll be my silly fiddling after the beta-reader's returned the work…  Secondly, thanks is deserved to all my reviewers on all my stories!  You really keep me posting here.  Lastly, I'd like to dedicate this story to a very special friend – **Georgina**, this is all for you.

**Summary**: "I love a boy.  I love an innocent who's barely older than a child.  I love my cousin…  I loathe myself, because of how wrong it is for me to love you like I do.  But when I'm with you, there's no right or wrong.  There's only you: Peregrine, Pippin, Pip, the one I'd die for and the one who through all the doubt and self-hatred keeps me alive."  Slash.  Can Merry finally admit his feelings?  And will Pippin ever be able to accept him for them?  The perception of what is right and wrong changes from person to person…

Now all that's done, on with the story!  **Please read and review, constructive criticism welcomed!**

Just A Child Chapter One 

Sometimes there is no right.  And there is no wrong.

-----  You're so beautiful, so sweet, so kind and so dear.  We're best friends.  We have been for all our lives.  My life before you were born was empty.  Now, we're almost one person.  We can guess the other's thoughts; we can finish each other's sentences.  When you smile, everything's all right.  When you're sad, I would give up anything to make it all right.  When you're afraid, I'd fight anything in the world to make you safe again.

You trust me with all of your childish secrets, your innocent apprehensions and surprises.  I trust you with my heart and soul every time I lie alone at night and whisper a thousand times into the empty air, I love you, trying to make myself brave enough to tell you to your face.  I love a boy.  I love an innocent who's barely older than a child.  I love my cousin.

If they knew, they'd berate me with how wrong it is, ostracize me, hate me, and say I would harm you – as if I ever would hurt you whom I love more than life!  So I can't tell them, and I especially can't tell you.  I can't ruin our friendship.  When I'm on my own, I loathe myself, because of how wrong it is for me to love you like I do.

But when I'm with you, there's no right or wrong.  There's only you: Peregrine, Pippin, Pip, the one I'd die for and the one who through all the doubt and self-hatred keeps me alive.  -----

***

'You're too young, Pip; you stay here, look after the place with Freddy.'  Merry's eyes were kind, and filled with concern, and he laid a hand on the younger hobbit's shoulder comfortingly.  'It isn't all that great to go anyway, is it?  Traipsing off to Mordor, to do who knows what…'  _Please don't argue.  Don't make it harder on me._

Pippin scowled, and shrugged his cousin's hands away.  'I want to go, Merry, and I _will _go!'  He hated how he sounded, petulant and spoilt, but maybe that was the only way to get his point of view across strongly enough for it to make any difference.  'I hate being told I'm too young.  I'm not that much younger than you!  Eight years, Merry, that's all.'

Meriadoc didn't look convinced, and hurt lingered in his eyes at the sharp words.  'Pippin, I know you hate me saying this, but you're only eighteen.  I can't let you come with us.  You're not of age.  I would hate myself forever if you came with us and then…' he gulped, and a shadow passed over his eyes, 'something happened to you and you got hurt, or even killed.'  He passed a hand over his eyes to clear the horrible images that played in his mind: Pippin, his beloved cousin, lying beaten and bruised on the ground…  Pippin, his life's blood seeping from some deep wound…  Peregrine Took died a thousand deaths in terrible detail behind his eyes.  Merry wanted to draw the young hobbit into a close embrace, but he could see that Pippin was bristling with anger.  Instead he settled for searching for the teenager's soul in his eyes.  _Do you know how much you mean to me?  Why can't you understand that I leave you here for your own good, and that I myself do not wish to go, but must for Frodo's sake?  Can't you comprehend the fact that I love you so much more than I should?  And why can't my words make you realize?_

Pippin's jaw trembled.  'But you're allowed to go and get yourself hurt?  It's just me who'll stay here, because I'm the youngest, the smallest, the weakest, the little child.'  His voice was made ugly by the sarcasm, and his eyes flamed with some terrible rage that was hard to incite in hobbits.  'Fine, Merry.  Tell you what; you go off on your _Quest_, if it's so important to you.  You run off with Frodo and Sam and have a great time together, just the three of you, and then for all I care you can go and get yourself killed in some battle somewhere, or die of starvation!'  The last comment was the most severe he could think of, and he regretted it as soon as it was said.  The idea of Merry dying horrified him, and at the nightmarish thought he instantly burst into tears.

Meriadoc's face creased with worry instantly, and without hesitating he moved forward, bare feet tickled by the grass, and drew Pippin into a close, stifling embrace.  He found that he was crying too, of hurt and grief and love all at once, and salt-water tears were falling down his face and into Pippin's fair hair.  The slim body in his arms was wracked by sobs.  Once again, Merry found himself thinking he wanted to hold his young friend all his life, and further, into eternity.

'I didn't mean it, Merry, I'm sorry,' choked Pippin into Merry's shirt, gasping for breath and clinging tight to the most comforting person in his life for support.  And Merry was always, always there when he needed help.  Pippin knew that Merry would die for him.  'I don't want you to die.  Please don't go, please, Merry, I don't want you to, don't leave me alone…'

'Hush, love.  Don't cry, Pip, please don't cry,' soothed Merry, his heart breaking to know that Pippin would never know he meant "love" in anything more than a brotherly way.  He reached up a hand to smooth the shorter hobbit's hair, turning the simple touch into a reassuring caress.  It was something he had done to the younger hobbit since he was just a little boy, and the affect on Pippin was nearly instant: his sobs quieted, and he became still, his chest rising and falling slowly.

There was silence for a while in the field just a little way from Bag End.  The pair of young lads did not speak a word to each other, merely enjoyed the feel of the other close and warm.  Pippin listened to the steady beating of Merry's heart in his chest, just as entranced as his older cousin who listened to Pippin's own breathing.  Merry's hand was still stroking Pippin's head and neck soothingly when he spoke again.  'I'm just worried for you, Pip.  And I don't want to leave you, either – I want to stay here by your side.  I'd like to think you need me, and I know for sure that I need you.'  _You're so beautiful_, he thought as he continued to caress the younger boy's head.  _The most wonderful thing I have ever seen._

'Let me come with you, Merry,' begged Pippin, stepping back a little to look into the other hobbit's eyes pleadingly.  His own gaze was so open, so innocent that it nearly broke Meriadoc's heart.  'It's alright with my parents, you know they won't care.  Please.'  In his childish, naïve way he leaned forward, putting steadying hands on Merry's shoulder, and went up on tiptoes to gently brush a kiss on Merry's right cheek.  'Please.'

It was a decision which would haunt him for years to come.  Was his answer a kindness to Pippin, a kindness to Frodo, or merely his own selfish wish to not let Pippin from his side?  'You'd better come then, hadn't you, Pip?'

Wordless with happiness, Pippin threw himself into the other hobbit's arms.

***

-----  Merry decided to let me come!  I couldn't believe it when I heard, I was that shocked!  I never, ever thought he'd say "yes" in a thousand years, but he did.  I know he'll take care of me when we travel too.  Merry's the kindest person I know.  He's like my brother.  But recently he's been looking at me oddly – or more exactly, not looking at me.  He avoids me as if he's scared about what he'll see.  I don't think I've changed at all – I've asked Frodo if I'm taller, or if I'm different in any other way, but he says I'm just the same Pippin as I always have been.  And of course I can't talk to him about It, because he's not meant to know that we know.

I don't feel different at all.  Maybe Merry's not feeling very well.  Maybe he's nervous about the Quest.

Well, I'm not.  It'll be fun, me and him and Frodo and Sam – but mostly me and Merry – wandering off, away from the Shire, to have adventures of our own like Bilbo's!  That will cheer Merry up, and I'll try my hardest to find out what's wrong and make him feel better.  If that doesn't help, I don't know what will.  Merry says I always cheer him up anyway, so it'll be fine.

We're going on a Quest!  -----__

***

To Be Continued…


	2. Chapter Two

I assume you know all the warnings if you read the last chapter.  Which I think I can say you did.  So basically: it's slash, and if you don't like it, don't read it.  Again, **please review** **and constructive criticism is welcomed.**

Thanks for all the reviews that I have already received: you're all wonderful and I'm glad you like the story – especially if you don't normally like slash.  This chapter is mostly just a connection between 1 and 3 (obviously), but it's useful to the plot overall and reminds everyone what's happening in Fellowship of the Ring at this time.  A quick note: Fatty Bolger is the often overlooked, fat hobbit who was another of Frodo's friends and a member of the Conspiracy (with Merry, Sam and Pippin).  He stayed in the house at Crickhollow when they left.

Just A Child Chapter Two 

It was barely a week later, and in the house at Crickhollow Fatty was bringing various plates over to the table in the bustling manner he took up whenever food was ready but not yet eaten.  By the time he had moved from the kitchen counter to the table several times, there were two plates before Merry, three before himself, and another six side plates in the centre laden with smaller nibbles.  Each hobbit was also supplied with a large cup, and somewhere in between them on the table, nestled between the many plates, was a well-proportioned jug of good ale.

As Fatty sat down, Merry, who was already seated, surveyed the wealth of food before him: mushrooms, omelets, cheese and crackers, vegetables, roast meat, hard-boiled eggs and many other small wonders beside.  This table was a hobbit's dream, and he knew well enough he should be happy for such a large breakfast.

'This looks delicious, Fatty!' he complimented the chef with as honest a grin as he could.  'I only wish the others were here to share it with us.'  _Especially Pippin.  _He hated the idea of his Peregrin being out there in the cold and damp of a rain-sodden countryside.

Fatty had already taken a bite of mushroom omelet and didn't reply till he had swallowed.  A grin spread over his cheery face.  ''Tis very good, if I say so myself,' he acknowledged.  'That omelet is done to perfection and beyond.  Even my ma couldn't have cooked it better.  And it was her recipe in the first place.'  He chortled with laughter, downing a quick mouthful of ale.  He then watched Merry pick at the food despondently, and a worried look came into his eyes – though he still ate, and spoke through a mouthful of toast.  'What's wrong, Meriadoc?  I know as it can't be the food, for you've eaten everything I've prepared before happily.'  Fatty had his guesses as to what was wrong, but he wouldn't want to voice his opinion prematurely and cause any unnecessary discomfort.  After all, it was a tricky business, love.  'You shouldn't worry too much about them all in the countryside.  They'll be fine, you mark my words.  Frodo's wandered enough times before for him to keep them all safe and well-fed.'

Merry forced himself to swallow a chunk of cheese, but his mouth was dry and it was hard, almost painful.  'Of course it isn't your lovely breakfast, Fatty.  I know no hobbit who cooks better than you do!'  He looked up and met Fatty's wide, concerned eyes.  Marry knew that Fatty was a lot more intelligent and perceptive than most folk supposed him to be.  The Brandybuck sighed.  'Yes, Fatty, I _am _worried about them, to tell you the truth.  It's some of the roughest country in the Shire between here and Hobbiton.'  _And Pippin's not used to traveling.  He'll find it hard._

Fatty waved his fork about to signal that he wanted to say something.  When his mouth was clear enough of mushroom to speak, he continued: 'ah, but they're not cutting across country, are they?  They'll be going by the road, and that's safe enough.  Not many mishaps can occur to them when they follow that way.  Apart from maybe Frodo delaying to tell them tales of Elves; or Samwise running off to chase them; or little Pippin tripping over his own feet.'  He smiled good-naturedly.

Merry attempted valiantly to smile back, and managed a twitch of his lips.  _Pippin may be little, yes, but he's not clumsy.  Not by any means.  He's quick of eye and hand and tongue and wit.  Quick to laugh, quick to love, quick to forgive.  _'More likely for Pippin to dally in some tavern,' he said with a knowing raise of his eyebrow.  'And they **must**have been dragging their feet all the way here, for they're late as late can be.'

'Don't you worry yourself, Meriadoc,' came the reply.  'I'm sure they're all fine, Peregrin most of all.'

Merry tried to hide his surprise.  There was a knowing tone in his friend's voice.  Could Fatty possibly have guessed…?  No, that was impossible.  Or at least, highly unlikely.  Merry was sure his feelings were well-hidden.  'All the same,' he replied as evenly as he could, 'I can't help but be anxious for them.  I think that I'll help you put the finishing touches to the house this morning, and then after lunch I'll go and have a check for them.  Make sure they haven't fallen drunk into any ditches, or been waylaid in any other manner.'  He tired to make the last statement sound joking and lighthearted, but it didn't work.  The words feel like stones to his stomach, and a worry began to nestle there.

'You do that, then, if you're so troubled by it,' chuckled Fatty, now practically sure that his shrewd guess was right, and not sure of what that truly meant.  He couldn't care in the slightest, and thought Merry would be a very good influence on the wild, flighty young Took, but he wasn't sure how the others would take it.  Anyhow, he wouldn't be the one to tell them, or indeed anyone.  'But first eat up and be merry, for the day's only just beginning and your food's getting cold.  Besides, if you don't eat it, _I _will with pleasure.'

'I assure you, Fatty, there won't be a crumb left on my plate to feed your stomach!' Merry surprised himself then by laughing, and sure enough, by the time his hunger was sated there was not a morsel of food left anywhere on the table.

***

Merry did indeed find them that night.  To his joy, Pippin was not harmed, though he looked a little frightened for some reason; and when they boarded the ferry the Took insisted that Merry dismounted so they could embrace each other.

'I see you missed me, Pip!' whispered Merry jovially as he let the fair-headed hobbit go.

Pippin nodded emphatically, reluctant to let his cousin go.  'You won't believe what's happened to us on our way, Merry!  I wished you had been with us a thousand times, I swear I did.  It would have been far more bearable with you there.'  _I was so scared, Merry, and I wished you were there to hold me and laugh and tell me that it was all fine, and that Black Riders would never hurt me while you were there…_

Merry's heart didn't know whether to inflate with happiness at the idea of Pippin having missed him, or to pound with worry to hear that something had been amiss on the journey.   Badly amiss, to judge by Pippin's wide eyes and the way he clung to the older hobbit.  'You'll tell me later what it was?'  He asked, concerned.

Pippin snorted.  'You'd have to gag me to stop me telling you!'

It was with great unwillingness that Merry trotted away from them when they had crossed the river, and after having seen the dark shape on the other shore.  He wanted to bring Pippin with him onto Crickhollow, to hold him in his arms in front of him in the saddle and to protect him from the dark and its horrors.  But that would not happen, since Pippin was needed to stay with Frodo and make sure he could find the way to the house.

Merry turned around in the saddle just before a corner in the road separated him and those who walked far behind.  He waved back solemnly.  _Hurry on, Pippin.  I'll worry about you_, he silently thought as he watched the shortest figure of the three.'See you at Crickhollow, and don't dither about on the way!' was all he said in as cheery a voice as he could manage.

'Hurry on, Merry!'  Urged Frodo with a laugh that echoed in the empty night.  'If _you _don't get back soon, then there'll be no dinner when we arrive, so hurry up!'

Merry obeyed wordlessly, a slight smile on his lips.  Things couldn't be so bad if Frodo was still laughing.  Merry followed Frodo's orders willingly, for the sooner he got home, the sooner the wanderers would be rested and fed and willing to tell Merry exactly what had terrified them so much.

Especially Pippin.


	3. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters/places etc. are mine.  Another note for this chapter: a few of the pieces of dialogue – and I mean a few – are from The Fellowship Of The Ring, Book One, Chapter 5 (A Conspiracy Unmasked).  This fic is overall very in-canon, and so the events are followed closely, hence the dialogue.

This is **slash **and there is nudity in this scene (though no descriptions, worst luck).  It's not overly sexual.  Only two people get ideas from it… and it's **nothing serious**.  This is the most slash-y scene so far, though, and there will be more like this throughout the story, but not only this type of thing.  Mostly this fic is about the way they deal with a slightly taboo relationship, not the ins-and-outs of the relationship itself.

Just A Child 

**Chapter Three**

'A bath!'  Came Pippin's voice in an awed shriek from the hall.  'O blessed Meriadoc!'

Merry blushed a little, smiling wide for the compliment, and came towards his cousin from the kitchen.  After informing the three weary travelers, much to their joy, that there were _three _baths ready and taking turns was not necessary, he waited for only a little while.

Pippin was first into the bathroom, and stripping off quickly in his usual childish, unashamed manner.  'C'mon, Sam, Frodo!' he urged them with a laugh as he fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, which hung down to his mid-thighs – sculpted and pale, Merry noticed – now his trousers and underwear were pooled about his feet on the floor.  Hobbits were, as a general rule, mostly unashamed of nudity when surrounded by members of their own sex.  Especially young hobbits that were near-all related and every single one friends.  'Don't be so slow!'  His bright eyes danced up to Merry as he slipped off his shirt and, in one quick movement, ended up in the bath, sending a lot of water out onto the floor.

_Don't look.  He's your cousin.  Turn around, and go back out to the kitchen._

'Merry!' cried Pippin.  'Pass me the soap, don't stand there like a tree that's gawping.'

'Ah, but do trees gawp?' pondered Frodo, hissing slightly between his teeth as he eased his aching body into the hot water.

'This one won't any more,' Merry assured them with a laugh, moving towards the cabinet – _don't look, he's your cousin, keep your eyes _up_, don't even turn your head his way _– and taking three bars of soap from inside.  One he threw to Sam, who caught it deftly with the skilled hands of one used to physical labor; one he dropped into Frodo's bath by the hobbit's toes.  Frodo groaned as he went searching for it under the water, complaining that Merry was a troublesome lad for hiding away soap like that and should be eaten by Farmer Maggot's dogs.  Merry grinned at this and after a mock-grimace at Frodo moved forward towards Pippin bath, using all his willpower to only look at Pippin's face and chest.  'Here you go,' he said as evenly as he could, handing Pippin the cake of soap.  Pippin beamed up to him in that sunshine way of his.

'Thanks, Merry!'  _What're you hiding from me?  Why do you look like that?_

Meriadoc was distracted, however, by a large bruise that marred the perfect white skin of Pippin's stomach, just above his belly-button.  His face twisted with concern, and silently he knelt down beside the tub and reached out a gentle hand to caress the hurt skin, running his fingers over his cousin's stomach.  'What happened?' he asked softly.  _What hurt you?  What did this to you?  Did Frodo and Sam not take enough care of you?  Oh, love…_

Pippin leaned his head down, watching wide-eyed as Merry's fingers trace wide circles over his damaged skin.  He held his breath, feeling his flesh tingle at Merry's delicate touch, more caring and concerned than anything else in the world.  'It's just a bruise,' he whispered.  _What?  You look… different, Merry…_

'How?'  Merry's fingers did not stop their tender ministrations: the movement was so natural, so simple, and so pleasurable.  It was intimate, yes, but in no way sexual – at least, to Pippin they did not feel as they were, and Merry made very sure they were not.  He would never, ever risk loosing the friendship of his younger cousin.

'I fell over,' came the hushed reply.  Pippin felt like he was being hypnotized by the continuous circular motions of Merry's soothing fingers on his upper stomach.  Merry had touched him this way all his life, like a caring elder brother, but somehow… somehow, this was different.  Pippin couldn't explain it, but he knew that he didn't want Merry to stop.  A shiver ran down his spine.  _Please carry on, Merry.  I've missed you touching me like this.  Well, just missed _you_ really… more than I thought possible.  _And with Pippin, it would never cross his mind that any amount of love he felt for Merry was wrong.  Platonic love; as he felt now, or anything else: love was always right.  Though he didn't know what Merry was feeling… 

Frodo watched with a knowing look, coughed a little, and turned to Sam.  He had guessed for a long time that Meriadoc loved Peregrin.  He had known ever since he caught Merry staring at Pippin a few years ago, when the younger hobbit was playing some childish game.  He had seen the look of pure adoration and the will to protect and cherish in Merry's eyes.  He thought they would be good for each other, but now was not the time.  Sam had not even noticed the display, and was busily humming while he washed the dirt from himself.

Merry jumped back and up, a flush rising to his cheek.  'I'll get you a cold compress for it, one that you can wear while we eat,' he muttered in a hurried way, before making a quick exit, his hands still tingling as they had when they were in contact with Pippin's satin-smooth skin.

***

---- I don't know why I'll do this.  I don't know what it'll mean, what it'll change.  But I can take that risk.  I must.

We're brothers; or very nearly.  Best friends, always there for each other.  And now something's wrong with him, and I'll fix it, whatever it takes. ---

***

_I love you, Pip.  You'll never know how much.  _It was almost a prayer.  Every night, in the dark of his room, Merry thought it countless times, his lips mouthing again and again, 'I love you, I love you, I love you…' a hundred times, a hundred again, and more, till he fell asleep.  He was dozing off now, his mouth flowing with the silence of the familiar syllables, the words that both killed him bit by bit and kept him alive for the promise of something more, when his door opened quietly.  Had he been asleep, he would never have noticed.  And he was the only person –hobbit – in this small guestroom, so the visitor must be searching for him.  His heart pounded at the thought.

Pippin was even quieter on his feet than most hobbits were.  There were no lights in the room, and with curtains drawn he was silent _and _invisible.  He knew this was Merry's room, and it was not by chance alone that his footsteps had fallen along the corridor between the chamber he shared with Fatty and this one.  _I've missed you so much.  I've missed the way you hold me and protect me all night if I want you to, like an older brother would.  I've missed waking up to see your little frown that you wear every time you sleep.  I've missed just having my cousin here with me.  _'Merry?' he whispered into the serene blanket of darkness.  'Merry?  It's me…'

Merry would never, ever need to ask who "me" was when the speaker's voice was so singular and so loved: so oddly sweet, so tuneful, so high for a male's that it could only belong to a young hobbit.  He wanted to hear that lovely voice every day of his life.  'I'm over here,' he replied, using his voice to guide Pippin to him, till he felt the bed sag under the weight of the other hobbit.  He was surprised Pippin hadn't heard and commented on the drum-like beating of his heart.  _Why are you here, Pippin?  How did my words of love summon you tonight when they never have before?  Why are you here to tease me unintentionally, remind me of what I can't have?  _He wanted so badly to reach out and touch his cousin, feel the curly hair of his head over his fingers, but he restrained himself to merely pushing the covers down a little, revealing his chest.

Oh, I'm so nervous, why is this different, just hold me, just help me, just keep me and have me and love me and save me and keep away the night and the Black Riders and my fears and love me and need me and hold me again…

'Merry…' he crept onto the bed, feeling his way forward till his hands brushed against Merry's still form.  'I'm scared; I can still feel them…'  _Black horses, thundering hooves, their eerie call…  _'Hold me, Merry.'

I love you so much, and I want to protect you, to hold you close and dear forever.

Merry held up the covers just long enough for Pippin to wriggle under them.  The younger hobbit's body was cold from wandering through the house dressed merely in a long night-shirt, with the chill of autumn all too abundant.  Merry put his arms around his cousin and drew him close, pulling the pliant form back until it melded with his own body, and they were almost one; Pippin's back against his stomach, Pippin's curly locks of hair tickling his nose.  'Better?'  His own body was tingling and heating, not merely in response to the other's cold.

I love you.

Pippin nestled back into him with a blissful sigh, winding one of his legs back between Merry's as he had always done, since he was young.  They often slept together for mutual warmth and reassurance.  Except this time, he found a different comfort in the movement.  His eyes closed slowly, and his breathing was peaceful.  'Love you, Merry,' he breathed out.

_Did you mean that, Pippin, as I so badly want you to?_

Pippin always did fall asleep quickly.Merry smiled blissfully, tightening his arms about the other's stomach.  Pippin, who was indeed asleep already, murmured something and wriggled a little, a smile twisting his lips – though Merry could not see it.  The older hobbit moaned slightly, very nearly silently, desperate not to wake Pippin, but the other lad's movements had sent waves of pleasure through his body that he found hard to ignore.

'I love you, Pippin,' he replied in a whisper when he had control of his voice again, daring to kiss the back of Pippin's head as gently as he could.  Now the other hobbit was asleep, asleep but still _here_, Merry's thoughts and words could be as one quiet whisper in the air.  'I love you, my sweet, my little one, and I want to protect you from it all…  I want you to know it will always be alright, I'd die for you, I need you, you keep me here…'

As Merry fell asleep, he was still whispering, and in his dreams he and Pippin spent countless hours together showing their love in myriads of ways and words.

***

---- Did you really mean that stuff you said?  When you thought I was asleep?  When you held me safe and warm and I knew I never had to worry about anything, ever again?  I don't even know if I want you to mean it…

Why does this have to happen?  Why do you have to confuse me like this?  And why did I enjoy it? ----


	4. Chapter Four

  Something's gone very odd with the reviews for this story…  Some of them haven't appeared on the 'reviews' page.  So thanks to all those reviews which aren't shown, as well as those which are.

This chapter is again **slash**.

Just A Child 

**Chapter Four**

***

----  There's only eight years between us, but sometimes it could be much, much more.  Merry seems to feel things that I don't.  Or at least, that I didn't use to.  When I woke up this morning, opening my eyes to see _him _first, I can't explain how I felt.  It think it's what Merry feels, though.  It was so different from anything else I have ever experienced.  There was only him, and his quiet breathing, and the little smile on his face.  The smile that was there because of _me_.  The way his arms were still tight about me, the way he held me close still after all my tossing and turning through the night all showed just how blissful he was in that sleep.  I smiled too, because I never knew I could make anyone as happy as I make Merry.

And I never knew anyone could make me as happy as he does.  Which is why I did it, so suddenly I couldn't think, only feel. And it changed everything. ----

***

Pippin leaned forward, not stopping to consider what he was doing for fear he might stop.  Merry's body was pressed against him, warm from a night of close contact.  Merry's breath tickled his hair, and Pippin's eyes were locked on the slight smile that played with Merry's lips.  Merry, Merry, Merry.

Don't think don't think don't think… 

Pippin pressed his lips onto Merry's, angling his head awkwardly so their noses didn't collide, almost painfully aware that he had not done this before, not like this, not because he was trying to express a feeling he didn't have the words for.  The kiss was short and unsure, and Pippin pulled away quickly, a flush rising to his youthful cheeks.  _What've I done?  Why did that happen?  Was that right?  Was it bad?  Please don't wake up, Merry…  _He licked his lips nervously, his eyes flitting over the other hobbit's face, wide and anxious.  Pippin couldn't stop thinking over his discoveries: Merry's lips were soft and sweet and satin smooth, and from close up Merry's skin smelt faintly of some comforting, homely scent which Pippin had never appreciated fully before.

_What?  _Merry's body tensed a little, and his eyes flickered open once or twice.  'Pippin?  What?  **Pippin**?'  _Oh by all the ale in the Shire did he just kiss me?  Was I just awoken by a kiss from Peregrin Took, my _cousin_?  What've we done?  What has _he _done?_

_Oh no oh no oh no oh no he's awake and I've upset him and I've done wrong to Merry!  Why do I always mess up like this?  I _am _no good and young and stupid, like they all say.  _'It's nothing, Merry, go back to sleep!' great contrast between their thoughts.

'No!  Pippin, why'd you do that?'  _You can't do that, don't you understand?  I'm not good enough for you!  You need to find a _girl _when you come of age, and settle down to start a family!  You don't want a male Brandybuck who can't give you any heirs!  I can't let you do this and cause you the pain of everyone hating you!  _'Pippin!'  His lips tingled even as his arms stiffened about Pippin's body.

There were tears in the younger hobbit's eyes.  _Why are you doing this?  _'Merry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…' a sob tore his chest and throat and he raised a hand to wipe away his tears.  _I'm so stupid…  _'Please, forgive me, forgive me, I didn't mean it…'  _I did I did I did!  And this is hard enough for me without you making me feel bad…  I always thought you were the one who would love me whatever I was or I did!  Was I wrong about what you said?  Do you really want me only as your cousin?  What've I done…_

'Of course you didn't!' shouted Merry, so loudly and with such violent anger it surprised even himself, and he hated to do it but… couldn't Pippin see?  It was for his own good.  _Just a child.  _'You were probably dreaming about a girl' the word was bitter on his lips and its foul taste in his mouth made him want to gag 'and acted it out!  That's _all_!' ouch

Pippin watched, speechless and silent, with tears running down his young cheeks, as the one person who had never hurt him before pulled his arms roughly away from his cousin and, shoving the covers off his body without ado rolled out of bed.  His dark eyes were wild with anger, and he almost shook with the rage that coursed through him.  'Just forget it ever happened, Pippin.'  _I won't.  And I'll never forgive myself for treating you like this.  But it's best for you, and I'd do anything to make things good for my sweet Peregrin…  _'It didn't mean a thing.'  With heavy hands and an even heavier heart he made his way over to the chair over which he had laid his clean clothes for the morning, and picked them up before trudging over to the door, not looking back.  'I'll get changed in one of the bathrooms,' he said in a dull monotone as his hand reached for the doorknob.  'And remember: it didn't mean anything.'  _Though it may have changed my life…_

_Maybe if I say it he'll come back, he'll forgive me, he'll _love _me like I so want him to…  _'It doesn't mean anything?  Like the things you said last night?'

Merry's entire world dropped away from under his feet.  He opened the door with a fumbling hand and stepped out, slamming it behind him, casting a still sobbing Pippin into the darkness.  Pippin was afraid of the dark, when he was on his own.  It was a cruel thing to do, and Merry knew it.  And he didn't open the door to let light in.  Instead he walked away, drowning in the inexplicable feeling of having his heart torn to pieces while it still was beating in his chest. Good expression

Back in the room, Pippin buried his face into the pillow, biting his lips till he drew blood and wishing with the rashness of youth that he were dead. 

***

---- You kill me, slowly and softly and with incredible grace.  Every time you smile your angelic grin, another wound is added to those already on my chest.  Every time you laugh, my agony mounts.  And you heard.

You heard.  And then, you kissed me.  I was kissed by a child.

And I can't, can't, _can't _let the most blissful thing I have ever felt be experienced again between us.  I'm the eldest of the two of us.  It's up to me to do whatever it takes, however painful it is, to make you happy, to do the right thing for you.

To keep you innocent. ---- 

Wow, great ending, so sad!!!! I'm crying, but that's because I have chlorine in my eyes from swimming in this heat wave. ARFGGGGGG! Croatia must be absolutely Boiling! I hope you have a great time in Venice, unless the canals have evaporated!

 On another note, my dad's from Serbia, do you speak Croatian? It is quite similar. 

Anyway, great chapter, well done, this story will turn out brilliant as always.


	5. Chapter Five

**REALLY BIG AND IMPORTANT NOTE: **for various reasons, this fanfic is going to be moved to a new account.  I will still be using Annaicuru but it will be for mostly-het (male/female) stories only.  The new account, Kanothalion, will be for my slash stories.  After I post this chapter I will wait a few days (till around the 2nd of September) and then delete this story from Annaicuru.  I will post this fic on Kanothalion today, so **temporarily** there will be two of this fic.  If I add any more chapters to this story between now and the 2nd, they will be loaded on Kanothalion so please add that name to your Author Alerts.  On Kanothalion the story will be called 'Innocent Child' until I delete the fic from this username, when it will be renamed 'Just A Child'.

Unfortunately I will lose all the reviews posted here so far (so if you review _this_ chapter on this account as opposed to on Kanothalion your  review will be lost) but I'd like to give a huge **thank you **to all of you who read, especially those who review, and please carry on to do so!

I'm sorry if that causes loads of trouble.

Anyway, on with Merry and Pippin.  I'm glad to hear you're enjoying it so much!

Just A Child            Chapter Five 

***

----They're waiting for me again, here in the dark.  The night-terrors that have been with me ever since I can remember.  The creatures that have no names, and are only known by screams.  The beasts that grab and hold and terrify and torture…  Whenever the light goes out, they form in the shadows and come to take me.  They make my heart race and they make me so afraid that I scream and I cry out…

Which is why you left me here in the first place.  Because I'm a baby.  Because the second you slammed the door I whimpered and then I began to cry.  And now I've pulled the pillow over my head so They can't see me, and I'm screaming and sobbing and choking on tears and feeling so wretched…  And I can't even get up and run to the door, because I might trip and fall and then I'd still be in the darkness…

Still be alone.  Before now I was never alone.  You were always there.  But now I've messed up.  And everything is so, so different. ----

***

Frodo was woken up by Merry, who looked unusually brisk and worried.  Frodo put it down to the fact that Merry had been up packing for a good few hours, and even managed to be – mostly – unconcerned by the fact that Merry slammed the door behind him.  Anyone could have a bad day.

He dressed quickly, yawning as he did so.  The Ring was cold on the bare skin of his chest.  Deathly cold.  Terribly cold.  He shivered, and tried to turn his mind from its dead weight.  He was still in the Shire, and would be until they entered the Old Forest that day.  He was still safe, though he drew danger towards him.

When he was ready he padded out of the room, closing the door – _for the last time? _– behind him, and moving along the hall towards the kitchen where his breakfast was waiting.  The worn carpet, that was somehow familiar though he had only felt it this once, was comforting under his feet with its well-worn texture and peaceful colours, the yellows and greens which hobbits so loved.  Which he so loved, when it came to it.  As much as he had always thought it boring, he now realized just how much the Shire was his home and his comfort.  It was peaceful and happy, its folk carefree –

Or not.  Carefree hobbits didn't moan and sob and whimper and **keen**, as did the one who was in the room to his right.  There was only one hobbit he knew who made the odd howling sound anyway: Pippin, whose range of vocal expression in every emotion – fear and joy and mirth and all others – was astounding.  Frodo stopped walking, shocked, and stepped a little closer to the door.  Yes, it was his little cousin Pippin in there, and no mistaking it.  He sounded terrified.  Frodo's kind spirit was instantly concerned, and he raised one hand to tap on the wooden door quietly.  'Pippin?' he called.  'Pippin, what's the matter?'

_Frodo?  Frodo, come here and save me and love me and treasure me and make it all better…  _Pippin stopped mid-mewl, and looked towards Frodo's voice and therefore the door.  'Frodo,' he choked, licking his lips to clear the salt of his tears from them.  'Frodo….'

The pleading tone left Frodo with no choice than to barge in.  He opened the door quickly, and entered the room.  Pitch black assailed his eyes, maliciously blocking Pippin from his sight.  Carefully Frodo closed the door behind him, guiding it back till it clicked shut.  He sensed that privacy was important to the young hobbit here.  Slowly he walked forwards, hands in front of him, till he reached the far wall.  There was silence.  Pippin made no sound as he strained to see in the dark.  Using his sense of touch to guide him, Frodo found the curtains and sighed gratefully.  He still didn't speak.  Perhaps Pippin's fear of the darkness was catching in the sorrowful  quiet of the room.  With a quick jerk of his wrists, Frodo cast open the curtains, and light poured into the room like a sudden revelation, revealing all whether good or bad, plain or unusual.

Pippin lay on the bed, young body twisted about with the sheets, head half-under the pillow with only his face peeking out towards Frodo.  His eyes were red and swollen, wide and afraid.  The tears which still fell from them even now left traces of glistening moisture on his thick eyelashes, giving them a diamond-dusting.  His skin was pale, but twin points of red flushed over high cheekbones which were traced over by the lines of tears.  The young hobbit's lower lip trembled, and the tip of his pink tongue darted out quickly to lick away another tear.  Pippin surveyed Frodo, otherwise motionless but for the movement of his tongue and the rapid blinking of alarmed eyes.

_Don't look at me._

Even in terror he was beautiful.  Just to see him made Frodo's heart ache fit to burst.  'Oh, beautiful, what has he done to you?'  Who "he" was they both knew: Pippin was, after all, in Meriadoc's room.  Frodo came forwards on careful feet, sitting down softly beside his younger cousin and reaching out one gentle finger to wipe away a falling tear.  'What happened?'

_Frodo, help me…  _Pippin made an odd sobbing sound, and then suddenly moved towards Frodo, sliding himself into the older hobbit's lap, chest to chest, his legs around Frodo's waist, his arms around Frodo's chest and his head on Frodo's shoulder with Frodo's brown curls tickling his nose.  'It wasn't…' _Merry, Merry did nothing wrong, at least, I don't think he did, or maybe but I don't know_ -  his entire body convulsed in Frodo's arms as he made another mewling sound of pure misery.  _Oh, please, don't go, hold me love me make me whole and make it all better…   _'Me, it was me…'

Frodo made a wordless soothing sound, and twisted his head a little to kiss the back of Pippin's exposed neck while he moved his hands to Pippin's lower back and stroked there comfortingly.  Pippin's body in his arms was so child-like, so innocent and so vulnerable…  'What happened, pretty?  What went wrong?'  Suddenly, Merry's ill-humor that morning made all too much sense.

_I found out that I love him.  And he doesn't love me, not any more, he did before I kissed him, but he said he loves me I mean he_ loved _me but he didn't want my kisses.  _Pippin shook his head a little against Frodo's shoulder, and as he exhaled his warm breath tickled the sensitive skin there.  'It doesn't matter,' he managed before choking on another tear which added to the growing wet patch on Frodo's shirt.  Half-heartedly he pushed away, unwrapping his limbs from Frodo's comforting form and moving back onto the bed.  He brushed over his face with the back of his hand, and managed a wobbly, teary smile.  'The door just closed after Merry left and the dark…' _wasn't only physical it was in my mind too and_ 'my dreams…' _are worse when he's not here…_

Frodo didn't believe him for a second.  He was more perceptive than most hobbits and Pippin, with all the innocence of youth, wasn't the exactly best liar in the Shire.  He let it go; however, seeing as the teenager was so upset.  He ruffled Pippin's hair affectionately.  'Alright, Pip.  As long as it's only that, I'll leave you here – with the light' he smiled a little as he indicated the opened curtains – 'while you get dressed and I'll see you at breakfast.'

Pippin smiled again.  _Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for not asking_.  He knew Frodo guessed he wasn't telling the truth, or at least all of it.  'Thank you, Frodo.  Love you.'  He embraced his cousin quickly, brushing his lips along his cheek in a kiss incredibly different from the one he had already bestowed that morning.

'I love you too, Pippin.'  _And I _will _take care of you.  If only you'd tell me what had really happened…_

As Frodo left to go and join the others in the kitchen, Pippin dried his tears and began to get dressed – and to prepare himself to face Merry.

***

--- I'm worried.  Pippin was more upset today than I have ever seen him.  And I know that it was Merry's fault.  Merry who slammed doors and spoke in clipped sentences this morning.  I want to help them both so much – especially Pippin.  It's so easy to care for him.  So easy to get lost in his wide, trusting eyes.  So easy to want to touch his face.  So easy to love him.  ---

***

Please review!

OK, so it may not only be Merry/Pippin slash…


	6. Chapter Six

Argh, sorry it's so short… More soon! Just A Child 

**Chapter Six**

--- What if he's there?  What'll he say?  Will he tell Frodo what happened?  Will he laugh at me, at how childish I am, at how much I trusted him?

I know that wouldn't be Merry, that he's too kind for that, too kind by far, but still…  It scares me.   What if it _does _happen? ---

***

Frodo was silent for all of breakfast.  It was the most uncomfortable meal he had ever had, and, by the Valar, after his parents' deaths he had experienced a lot in the way of uncomfortable times.  He had entered the kitchen first, to find Fatty and Sam gone – but having left steaming plates of sausages and eggs behind them, as well as a rack generously filled with toast and a jug brimming with orange juice.  Frodo had sat down, taking his own plate, and began to eat.

Then Merry had entered, offered a forced 'good morning', and then set to eating his own food, sitting directly opposite Frodo.  And just when Frodo had been about to broach a rather difficult subject, Pippin had come in very, very quietly, taken his plate of food, and come to sit right beside Frodo, eyes only for his breakfast, which he proceeded to eat with a dismaying un-hobbitlike lack of speed or enjoyment.

_I can't bear to see you like that.  And I know it's my fault._

Frodo finally finished eating, and laid down his knife and fork.  The tension in the little room was unbelievable.  Pippin's eyes were wide as he stared solidly down to his plate.  Frodo felt a surge of compassion rush through him, but it was countered by the bitter anger he felt towards Merry, he who had committed such a terrible crime as hurting Pippin.  _How could you do that to him?  He **loves **you.  Don't you understand how lucky you are?  _He moved his hand to grip one of Pippin's which was under the table.  Pippin looked over to him, and smiled weakly.

_Thank you._

Merry got up very quickly, unable to face them any more.  Unable to bear the way Frodo was taking care of Pippin.  Unable to cope with the fact that he was the cause of all the anguished being felt by the one he cared for so much.  He put his plate down by the sink for Fatty to clean after the other three had left, and was about to leave when Frodo's voice stopped him mid-step:

'Merry, why did you –'

Oh, no, don't, I don't know, I hate myself enough as it is… 

_Frodo!  No!  Stop!  Not Merry!_

'– hurry so much?  Is my company **that **bad?'  Frodo smiled as jokingly as he could, feeling Pippin relax beside him.  He was shocked by just how much the simple words had affected the pair – it showed just how tense they really were.

Merry forced a laugh.  'It's nothing.  The ponies need to be readied.'  _Don't make me stay here.  It'll hurt us both. _ He looked only at Frodo, trying to ignore the boy for whom his heart was aching.

Frodo shrugged a little, terribly aware of how hard this was for both of them.  _But you have to do it.  You have to talk.  You need each other so much.  _'Don't you want to stay and talk with Pippin and I?'

Pippin clenched Frodo's hand under the table, his nails digging into the other hobbit's flesh.  _No!_

Merry shook his head with a quickness bordering on desperation.  'Can't.  Fatty needs help,' he said in clipped sentences, before moving to the door.  He risked one glance back at Pippin.  _My beautiful Peregrin… _ And then he tore himself away, stomping outside, tears glistening in his eyes.

_There's something so wrong here it's painful just to breath, to think… _ Frodo could take it no more.  He had to know, **had **to so he could help his two cousins whom he held so dear.  _Pippin.  I'm doing this because I love you.  _'Tell me, Pippin.  Tell me what happened.'

And the teenager burst into tears like the child he was.


End file.
